You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
