So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
