she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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