I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
