Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
