i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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