The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
please don't ironically join a cult
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