life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
