jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
