You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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