I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
