I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
