I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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