i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
