God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
