Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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