I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
