Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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