Pants 0. Shit 1.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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