Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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