If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
