alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
