Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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