She's JV to your varsity
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
