Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
