i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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