is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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