broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
