i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
