come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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