New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
