I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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