I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
