You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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