Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
