just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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