Well douche your snatch and let's go!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
