Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
