I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
