It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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