Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
