oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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