I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
