God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
