third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Brb crying the tears of my youth
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
