I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
