"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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