So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
