he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
