You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
