So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
