i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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